


hallelujah

by gardenofstardust



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Emotional Sex, F/M, Falling In Love, M/M, OT3, Polyamory, Redemption, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Spiritual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-02-11 04:42:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2054034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gardenofstardust/pseuds/gardenofstardust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Though Ciel is no longer human, he still feels like one. His love for Elizabeth weighs on him, and he hopes Sebastian can distract him, but in the process, he might just undo Sebastian with the sheer power of his emotion. A speculative reconstruction of Ciel's heart after the second season of the anime, and the influence it has on others. ElizabethxCielxSebastian OT3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. on a dark spring night

"Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, boring. Imaginary good is always boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating."

-Simone Weil-

* * *

Soundtrack: Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright

* * *

 

**one; on a dark spring night**

It was Sebastian's hands that Ciel couldn't remove from his head, all the small touches the elder demon would dote on him, all the ways he would carry or hold or caress Ciel. He was used to it, because it was as it had always been—a butler needed to care for his master, after all—but Ciel couldn't remove the thought that things were different, now. He was young, and his human body had been on the cusp of puberty, where the imagination began to run around with lust. It had crossed his mind several times, but he had always pushed it away and looked at his Elizabeth instead. But now, did it really matter? Ciel would forever have the body of a teenager, and he was now something ageless, something immortal that stayed how it was.

There were other shades to things, as well. He missed Elizabeth immensely with a deep, painful ache that seemed to permeate everything he did or saw. Everything was a piece of her to him, and she was always in his thoughts, always at the back of his mind. He wanted to forget her, for he knew it was best. He knew she would try to find a way to be with him—make a contract with him—if he ever contacted her again. He had discovered from the newspapers that Elizabeth was to marry again, now that her mourning period was over—it hadn't been a full one, since she hadn't been widowed. More than likely, they had wanted to marry her off as soon as they could for the stability of the family, so a new suitor had quickly been found. Not Ciel. Someone human and ordinary and whole. Someone who hadn't sold his soul, then lost it. Elizabeth thought Ciel dead, and it was better that way.

He thought perhaps Sebastian could help him forget. He needed to forget.

Time had not stopped since Ciel became a demon, and he and Sebastian had since moved into a spacious London flat, forced together still by the contract. That winter was mild and rainy—barely anything for England, and spring was beginning to emerge from the gloom. He was taking a bath on a Wednesday night, for Ciel needed to bathe—he still had some human quirks. He was quiet as Sebastian washed his hair, then began on his shoulders.

Ciel waited until Sebastian paused in his washing to add more soap, and slithered around and pressed his lips awkwardly to the nearest thing of Sebastian he could reach, which was his demon's arm. Sebastian had arched his eyebrows with a clear expression of  _what are you doing you silly boy_? But then the arm Ciel had kissed had wrapped around his back and pulled him up, pulled him closer, and the kiss was slick and warm and it caused Ciel's breath to hitch until he practically melted into Sebastian's strong chest. The elder demon had drawn back, and taken hold of Ciel's chin with one large hand to stare the boy down with slanted red eyes.

"My, Young Master. That was quite indecent."

Ciel scoffed. "You were frustrating me."

Sebastian offered a small, neutral smile before he pressed his lips gently to Ciel's forehead, his nose, his lips. "Have I?"

"Yes. My desire for you has long since manifested."

"Interesting," Sebastian smiled deviously, his crimson eyes flashing. "And what does the Young Master desire?"

Ciel's face warmed, and he bit his lip. He was bad at this kind of thing. "Um . . ."

Sebastian chuckled. "Shall I touch you? Kiss you? Where do you want me to put my mouth~?"

The younger demon's blush doubled, and Ciel looked rather like he was about to break into a conniption fit. "W—why would you ask that?"

"I only want to make sure you're satisfied." Sebastian nuzzled Ciel's slender neck, and pressed a kiss to the right side, more kisses downwards until he reached Ciel's clavicle. The younger demon emitted a small noise and squirmed closer, tilting his head to expose skin for Sebastian to press his mouth to. The elder demon hummed in approval to Ciel's compliance, and moved down to his chest, kisses firm with teeth and tongue. Ciel's chest rose and fell, rose and fell with his breath as his body began to respond.

"Nnn . . . m—maybe . . . maybe you should . . ."

"Should what?" Sebastian asked, peeking up.

"Get . . . in the tub?" Ciel turned red again.

"Of course." Sebastian stroked back Ciel's wet blue-black hair and kissed him soundly, before he rather reluctantly drew away, and began the process of unbuttoning his shirt. Ciel blushed and hid his face in his hands, unable to watch, to which Sebastian just chuckled as he continued to strip. Something nudged Ciel's side and he practically fell over when he opened his eyes to see Sebastian standing over him without anything on, one foot in the tub to tell Ciel silently to scooch. The younger boy took a second, but he moved over, and Sebastian stepped the rest of the way into the tub, and sat down.

Ciel stared at Sebastian crunched in the tub next to him, unsure of what to do, until the demon reached across and after some rearranging of limbs, was able to pull Ciel to him, so that the younger boy straddled his hips. Ciel bit his lip as their bodies pressed together—he could feel  _everything_ , and it was both wonderful and embarrassing. It more than topped all the . . . ridiculous fantasies he had been entertaining for the few brief months that he had been a demon. Sebastian's hands, always so large and slender and so easily able to break Ciel apart if he wanted—but he wouldn't—ran down Ciel's sides, to his hips, and back up again, nails scraped against his skin until Ciel arched his back and groaned. Sebastian leaned in and kissed his young charge again, as his hands repeated their descent, and this time Ciel practically jumped as the elder demon wrapped them around . . . well. Ciel was flushing again, but Sebastian was pulling and yanking, and the younger boy moaned and gasped and kissed Sebastian openmouthed and sloppy—anything to move closer to him.

"Is this enjoyable?" Sebastian murmured, nuzzling Ciel's neck.

"Nnn . . . y—yes. . . hhhnnn . . . G—God . . ."

"Good."

Ciel's hands fisted in Sebastian's hair as the elder demon pumped faster, harder, and the feelings grew more intense. Ciel was a hot mess, kissing Sebastian on his lips, his tongue, his cheeks, neck—Ciel wasn't sure when he started running his tongue up the side of Sebastian's face or where that had come from, but his butler seemed to like it so he kept doing it. He was practically squirming when Sebastian suddenly stopped, and Ciel stared at him in disappointment, but the elder demon just leaned in and kissed him, and sort of un-squished themselves from each other.

"Let's get to the bedroom."

Ciel was going to kill him for stopping, it didn't matter how good those hands were or how attractive Sebastian was or—! He was snapped out of his reverie when strong arms wrapped around him and lifted him out of the tub, and he looked up in surprise as Sebastian carried him to the—their?—adjoining bedroom. Sebastian flopped Ciel rather unceremoniously into the bed, water, suds, and all, before he climbed up himself and set to kissing every possible inch of Ciel he could reach, until the younger boy was writhing and moaning with the desire for Sebastian's mouth, well, everywhere.

The elder demon moved back up to Ciel's lips one last time, before he drew away again, slowly and regretfully. Ciel glared at him. "What now?"

"Lubricant . . ." Sebastian turned away, and rose from the bed.

"Lu . . . wh—for what?"

"Well, it'll hurt, otherwise." Sebastian called as he went to Ciel's dresser, and rummaged around for the massage oil always kept there. "Ah-ha." He produced it out of Ciel's sock drawer, and walked back over with it.

"But . . . I don't understand."

Sebastian pulled Ciel to him and nuzzled his neck again—this seemed to be a favorite thing—and kissed Ciel slowly and sensually. "I guess you don't know how this kind of thing works, do you?"

Ciel shrugged, attempting and failing to look flippant. "Not really, but . . ."

"Well, would you like to be penetrated?"

Ciel flushed at the last word, though he wasn't sure why. "U—um . . . what do you mean? That's not possi—oh." Ciel realized what he meant.

Sebastian offered his most charming smile. "Is this what the Young Master desires?"

"Y—yes, I think so."

"Alright."

Sebastian released Ciel, and pushed him to lay back down. The younger demon complied, his natural curiosity holding his interest more than the disappointment of being without Sebastian's hands or lips. Sebastian unscrewed the oil, and dipped his index finger directly into the bottle, before he turned it over and poured even more over it. Sebastian then scooched a bit closer to him, and pulled Ciel's legs apart, and back, until his muscles strained slightly from how far they were pushed.

"This'll hurt at first."

Ciel bit his lip as something pressed to his bottom, and he gasped as Sebastian slid his finger inside and it stung. Ciel closed his eyes to endure the pain, but his new demonic body seemed to accommodate, as it stopped hurting within a minute. Ciel opened his eyes, and blinked up at Sebastian, who's brows were furrowed with focus—gah why was that attractive?—and the finger suddenly withdrew, and was pushed back in again, and Ciel saw stars.

"O—oh God! Wha . . ."

No wonder people did this, it felt fucking wonderful! Ciel moaned as Sebastian's finger slid in and out, in and out, it was hypnotic and hot, how it felt to have Sebastian rub up against his flesh, pressed to his insides until he was fulfilled. And it escalated—his butler added more fingers, one after the other, until Ciel moaned and gasped and scrabbled at the bedsheets from the sheer pleasure. Sebastian ceased suddenly, and Ciel glared at him, once again, but was promptly distracted when Sebastian poured the oil over himself, and the younger demon knew what was coming. Sebastian turned Ciel over, onto his stomach, and pulled the younger boy close until his back was pressed to Sebastian's torso.

There was a moment of fumbling, before Ciel felt Sebastian press into him and slide inside—he was surprised when it didn't sting, but promptly distracted when Sebastian's hand wrapped around his member and he slid back, and thrust in. Ciel gasped and writhed, as Sebastian took up a steady, hypnotic rhythm. He could hear his butler's moans and gasps over his own, and it only turned Ciel on all the more, as his butler pounded into him to that same beat, each time, each thrust wonderful and blindingly pleasurable.

Ciel's arms began to shake from the physical effort of holding himself up, especially when Sebastian abandoned his rhythm and thrust more haphazardly, until all Ciel could think about was how he could press back into Sebastian for more friction, how good it felt when he was handled roughly, until he tipped over the edge into ecstasy and white lights and the thrilling inability to breathe. He felt Sebastian's hot fluids fill and spread, and Ciel tried not to give it too much thought because it made him blush, and soon he was down from the high and Sebastian was bearing all his weight onto Ciel's back, which caused the younger boy to give out and flop down into the comfy bed.

Sebastian gently pulled out, and laid down next to Ciel, who turned over to face him. Sebastian stroked back Ciel's soft, silky hair, and sighed, before he leaned in and they kissed slowly, gently.

"Well . . ." Ciel took a deep breath and smiled, his breath still labored. "That was . . ."

"I take it you are pleased, Young Master?" Sebastian murmured.

"Yes. We'll go with that."

Sebastian chuckled, and kissed Ciel on the forehead. "Mm, good. My duty has been fulfilled, then." He moved away from Ciel suddenly, and began to rise. The younger demon reached out and grabbed his shoulder.

"Wait." Ciel scowled.

"What is it, Young Master?"

"Stay. Please."

Sebastian hesitated and stared at Ciel, then slowly laid back down and pulled Ciel to him once again. Sebastian's right hand traveled up to Ciel's face, to caress his cheek, trace down his nose to his lips, and back up into his hair. Fingers scraped across Ciel's scalp, before they moved down again and over Ciel's eyes, so he had to close them. The younger demon nuzzled closer, soothed by the touch. Sebastian's hands, always his hands, on him, in him, a constant presence in his life now in all their domestic tasks, in all the duties Sebastian performed with such devotion. He emitted a sigh, and opened his eyes when Sebastian's hand had moved from over them.

"How long do you want me to stay, Young Master?"

"I'm not sure. As long as I want."

"Of course, Young Master."

Sebastian closed his eyes, and soon he was asleep. Ciel watched as Sebastian's eyelids began to flicker with the vision of dreams, and he reached out and gently pressed a hand to his new lover's face. "You probably can't love me, can you?"

Sebastian simply slept on, and Ciel lay awake for a long time, his heart twisted with conflict.

* * *

 

_i've heard there was a secret chord_   
_that david played, and it pleased the lord,_   
_but you don't really care for music, do you?_


	2. music and letters

Soundtrack: Largo by Bach (performed by Emilie Autumn)

* * *

  **two; music and letters**

Ciel woke the next morning to crisp slants of sunlight peeking through the curtains, and the cold emptiness of his bed. He knew Sebastian had his duties to attend, but Ciel couldn't help but feel empty and cheerless as he stared at the space Sebastian had previously occupied. He sat up just as the door opened, and Sebastian entered the room bearing a tray. He looked pristine in his suit—no evidence of the previous night on him. It was silly, but Ciel felt his heat skip a bit as the elder demon walked to his bedside.

"I trust the Young Master slept well after last night?" Sebastian asked, bringing the tray off his shoulder.

"Yes, I did." In truth, his dreams had been built on Elizabeth—her smile, her laugh, the softness of her hands. But he wasn't about to tell Sebastian this.

"I am glad my ministrations relaxed you." He pulled the covers off the plates and set the tray across Ciel's lap. "This morning's breakfast is a berry scone with a light cream sauce over it, accompanied by fresh mandarin slices and a vegetable omelet. For tea, I have selected a heavy earl grey."

"Thank you, Sebastian."

Sebastian paused as he adjusted the newspaper on Ciel's tray. Ciel knew he rarely thanked him, if ever. Sebastian said nothing, though, and simply left Ciel to enjoy his breakfast. Sebastian no longer had the obligation of reading off his master's schedule—they had all the time they wanted, now. Ciel opened the newspaper, and stopped to stare at the picture of the Midfords and Elizabeth's new fiancé, all positioned to look like a happy family. Elizabeth's smile wasn't genuine, though—Ciel knew her so deeply.

ELIZABETH MIDFORD TO RUN NEW PUBLISHING BUSINESS the headline read, and Ciel went on to read the article. It outlined how Elizabeth's new fiancé, John Simmons, had a deep love for books, and how Elizabeth had begun to write a novel. Ciel felt his heart both ache and swell, for he could easily picture Elizabeth as a writer, with her rich imagination and unwavering faith in humanity.

He didn't realize he was crying until dark blotches appeared on the newspaper, and he quickly wiped the tears away. He moved on to the entertainment section of the newspaper, but this only made him feel more melancholy. Reading of the balls, parties, and business events he wouldn't be able to attend only reminded him that he was no longer human. Sebastian returned only a bit after Ciel had finished eating, and both were quiet as Sebastian dressed him.

"What does the Young Master desire for today?" Sebastian asked when he was finished.

Ciel stared down at Sebastian as the other looked up at him from where he crouched on the floor. The young boy reached out, and softly ran a hand through Sebastian's hair. He took a deep breath, and rose from the bed. "I think perhaps it's time I learn your ways."

Sebastian tilted his head in confusion. "Whatever do you mean?"

"The . . . demon ways. What your—our—kind does with all this time. The magic and such."

"Ah, of course. What would you like to learn, first?"

Ciel tilted his head in thought. "I am not sure. What is there to learn?"

"Many things. Though, perhaps it would be best for you to learn to protect yourself, first."

"Really? I have you to protect me."

"Of course, Young Master. But every demon must know how to protect oneself. Especially since you are one so rare."

This caught Ciel's attention. "Whatever do you mean?"

At this, Sebastian smiled dangerously. "You are still very human, my Lord. You still taste of your soul. Certain demons are not above cannibalism, after all."

"O—oh . . . I—I see. Then, teach away."

"Yes, my Lord. Let us start with your best defense mechanism, then."

Sebastian led Ciel into the sitting room. "What would that be?" Ciel asked as he sat down on the couch.

"Shapeshifting." Sebastian turned to face him, and as he did—his face, his stature, his coloring, all altered, and Ciel stared in fascination at a perfect replica of himself. "The power of deception is the best way to protect oneself," Sebastian even sounded like Ciel, and it was quite disconcerting. "It makes it much harder for other demons to detect you, and it also means the human world won't be so suspicious of you."

Ciel lent this some thought. "I see. That does make sense, but . . . my true form is human. Doesn't that make it easier?"

"I suppose it does, for the humans, yes," Sebastian shifted back to himself. "But part of shapeshifting is concealing your . . . aura, for lack of a better word. Both demons and humans are able to sense it. Because you were once human, you seem to blend with them, but that means yours is very unusual to demons. It's this you need to learn to conceal."

Ciel nodded. "Alright. Are we to start with that, then?"

"Not at this point. Concealing one's aura comes after a more advanced understanding of shapeshifting. You must learn to control your physical self, before you can your spiritual."

"Alright. Then, where shall I start?"

Sebastian left for the kitchen, then returned a moment later with a glass of water, which he handed to Ciel. "With the makeup of things. As a child, I learned by examining the particles of objects, and learning to alter them. I also found it's best to start with simple objects."

"You were a child?"

"I was born a demon, so yes, of course."

"Oh. How interesting."

"Anyhow, you want to start by focusing on the water in the glass. Fill your mind with it, and you should be able to sense its particles."

Ciel felt a bit foolish, staring intently at the glass, but he eventually relaxed into it. He began to notice more details as time went on—the refraction of images behind the water, its weight in his hand, the cool temperature. As he did, the edges of his mind seemed to sharpen certain things about the small object in his hands, and Ciel grew to know an awareness towards the essence of each thing, each component that made up the liquid within the glass. It was like little grains of sand, the very essence of matter, moving in a torrential dance of pure energy.

The resonance of the doorbell disrupted his focus, and Ciel blinked up at Sebastian, who was rising to answer the door. Ciel remained where he was as he heard Sebastian open the door, and speak with whomever was there. He waited for Sebastian to return, and contemplated the water in his hand. It was strange, but he now felt something of a connection with it—a sort of rough knowledge of the materials that created it.

Sebastian returned to the sitting room, and sat down beside Ciel again with a sigh. "It was merely a solicitor. Now, focus on the water again."

The remainder of the morning was spent focusing on objects and sensing their makeup, which grew in complexity, from the water to a pen, to a camera, and lastly, an apple. Organic matter was the most complex, being alive, while inanimate objects were easier. Fortunately, Ciel was a fast learner, though he was exhausted by lunch. He was growing tired of the work as he read the second half of the newspaper while Sebastian prepared lunch, and became distracted by an ad for a musical store in London, not too far from their flat. It felt like an eternity since Ciel had last played violin.

"Sebastian," Ciel emerged into the dining room as Sebastian set the table. "I want to go shopping after lunch."

"Of course, Young Master. What would you like to purchase? Or do you wish simply to browse?"

Ciel sat down once Sebastian had set the food out. "I think I would like to purchase a violin."

This caught Sebastian's attention. "Whatever do you mean, Young Master?"

"It's time I take up my music lessons again." Ciel stared down at Sebastian's hands as they finished adjusting plates. "I . . . I miss it."

"Of course, Young Master," Sebastian lifted the lids on the food. "Today's lunch is a chicken and spinach pie with butter on the side, accompanied with fresh London greens and white wine."

"Thank you, Sebastian."

This time, the butler was prepared. "You are most welcome, Young Master."

As Ciel ate, he and Sebastian discussed the shops they were to visit. Though Ciel was believed to be deceased, Sebastian had arranged some redirection of the revenue from Funtom Sweets, now run by the reliable Tanaka. While they were no longer wealthy, they still sat on enough that Ciel could live comfortably. For him to make a large purchase like a violin was not within their budgets, but Ciel also knew Sebastian could easily arrange bonuses for them. The key was not to take so much money that the human world would notice.

They set out for London once Sebastian had cleaned everything from lunch. Ciel thought about the fact that he had to do a lot of waiting now, as they bustled along the London streets, just one of many in the crowd. With nothing to do, he noticed and appreciated the amount of time Sebastian spent keeping their household in order all the more. Ciel hoped the violin would help occupy him otherwise—about the most interesting thing he did lately was read. And sleep with Sebastian, perhaps, to which Ciel flushed. That was very recent, anyway.

The first shop with the newspaper ad yielded no results—their violins were cheaply made, mass-produced things that produced a thin, weak sound Ciel despised. As a skilled violinist, he expected nothing less than the best. They moved onto the next one, where Ciel found violins that were much better made. However, he found that none of them fit right for him—there was something so specific about an instrument for a musician. It had to feel like an extension of his body, like the sound of it spoke for his inner being.

It was at the last shop that Ciel found it—a beautifully crafted violin of maple and spruce, with a dark lacquer finish and silver trimming. As soon as he touched it, he knew it was the one, for to him, it was like touching a living thing. He could tell immediately that it was old, and of Italian origin. He picked it up slowly, with reverence, and tucked it under his chin, the weight of it easy. It was elegantly and delicately made, perfectly balanced so that even if the wood were dense, the way it was handled would be light.

Ciel took up his bow, handed to him by Sebastian, and laid it on the strings. He allowed a moment of silence to settle as he felt out the instrument for a moment longer, then slid the bow across the strings in a soft G. The note that was produced was crystal clear and so very sweet, perfect in its vibrato and the purity of sound. Ciel closed his eyes and slipped into the music as he burst into a sweet Corelli sonata. Each note was etched with passion and pain, emotion drawn from the violin by Ciel, who played with abandon. It had been so long. He finished after only the first movement, however, for he couldn't stand there in the shop and play for the next ten minutes, though he was regretful to cease.

"This is the one," Ciel murmured, lowering the violin to second position.

"It is exceptionally luxurious, my Lord. I am not sure we have the funds to make this purchase."

Ciel shot Sebastian a sour look. "We shall put it on credit, then."

"Yes, my Lord," Sebastian looked resigned as he turned to the shopkeeper.

The shopkeeper seemed satisfied to put the violin on credit—it was an immense sum of money, and Ciel made sure to thank the shopkeeper with a few extra coins pressed into his hand. As Ciel carried the violin home in its black velvet case, he watched Sebastian in his peripheral vision. He wondered if the elder demon would again take an interest in Ciel's music lessons, or if he would simply teach Ciel only as much as he wanted to know. Violin had seemed like one of the few things Sebastian was truly passionate about.

As soon as they arrived home, Ciel located the old book of sheet music he had used for lessons, stored in a trunk underneath his bed. He pulled Bach's  _Largo_  from among the sheets of paper, and then located his music stand. He set it all up in the sitting room, and immediately broke into the sonata. It was a slow, melancholy piece, and as he played, Ciel swayed to the music, his body given over to the sweet, sinuous voice of his new instrument. The rich, lovely sound filled the entire room, and the sound was so pure, so real, it felt as though it were almost tangible.

He had so very much missed music.

Once Ciel finished the sonata, he slowly unfolded from his reverie, and looked up to find Sebastian standing in the doorway. "Your higher notes need more vibrato," Sebastian walked further into the room. "You also need to watch your crescendos—a few of them squeaked a bit."

Ciel nodded to Sebastian's feedback. "Alright. Thank you."

"All in all, though, it sounds as lovely as ever, Young Master. I must admit, I have missed your playing."

At the last words, Ciel bit his lip, and stared down at the violin. "I am glad you enjoy it."

Sebastian walked over to Ciel, and put his hand under Ciel's chin, tilting his face so they made eye contact. "I suppose it would be appropriate to continue your music lessons."

"Of course."

Sebastian nodded to this, then released Ciel and opened the book of sheet music. Ciel watched over his shoulder as the butler rummaged through, which jostled several pages, causing them to slip to the floor. Ciel leaned over and picked them up, and paused. The papers were not sheet music, but a letter, covered in the careful, elegant cursive of Elizabeth Midford. Ciel paused, and gently touched the curved, feminine letters, mouthing the last sentence:  _I shall always love you, even if things fall apart._

Ciel's eyes grew hot as his vision blurred, and heat seared down his cheek, his sorrow marked with the burning path of a tear.

"Young Master?" Sebastian reached over, and touched Ciel's head in an unusually tender gesture. "Are you all right?"

Ciel sat down on the couch, and smoothed the creases from the letter. "I can't stop thinking of her."

Sebastian emitted a soft sigh, and continued to rummage through the music book. "It is natural for you to still have earthly attachments, Young Master."

"Ciel," The younger demon looked up, and his eye burned underneath its patch as he gave the order. "I am no longer nobility."

Sebastian also looked up, his beautiful face furrowed with perplexity. "You want a more familiar address?"

"Yes, please."

"Of course . . . Ciel," Sebastian sounded immensely uncomfortable with the name.

Ciel returned his gaze to the letter. "Sebastian. I'll be able to change my appearance at will? Eventually?"

"That is the aim, Ciel."

"Then, I think perhaps, it would be appropriate for me to continue business endeavors with the human world." He took a deep breath. "Elizabeth is starting a publishing house."

At this, Sebastian froze. "I am not sure that is a wise idea."

"Why not?" Ciel asked, irritation swelling in his chest. "There's no harm if they don't know who I am."

"Ciel," Sebastian put the music book down, and studied his charge's face. "Do you really wish to torment yourself so?"

The young demon looked away. "She is everywhere, Sebastian. Dish soap makes me think of her. At the least, if I can see her on occasion, watch over her . . ."

Sebastian softly touched Ciel's cheek, the soft fabric of his glove rustling over flawless skin. "You will always love her, won't you?"

Ciel looked back at Sebastian. "I don't know, Sebastian." He reached up, and laid his hand over his butler's. "I think, perhaps, you might be able to help me forget."

Sebastian narrowed his eyes at this. "I will never be able to give you what she can."

"I know. But at least it's something."

Sebastian pulled back, and dropped his hand. "It is your choice. But I advise against it."

Ciel gently touched Sebastian's cheek. "Are demons not capable of love?"

Sebastian narrowed his eyes. "Demons are selfish creatures. To love something is to go against our nature."

"Then what of me?" Ciel asked. "What of Hannah, who said she loved Alois?"

"I do not know, Ciel. You were once human, and you are not quite a proper demon, even now, so you are an anomaly. As for Miss Hannah, I have no idea."

Ciel watched Sebastian for a moment longer, before he leaned in and kissed the elder demon softly. Sebastian responded, moving into the kiss, hands soft on Ciel's shoulders. The boy deepened the kiss, pressing further into Sebastian, and his butler hummed gently. Even if Ciel felt as though everything had crumbled around him, he could at least seek the physical comfort Sebastian offered.

Sebastian moved from Ciel's mouth to his neck, which he sucked on and kissed until Ciel was gasping with pleasure. The young boy began to fumble with Sebastian's coat buttons, and the elder demon took over and deftly pulled it off. Sebastian then did quick work with Ciel's own jacket, and managed to swiftly unbutton his dress shirt as well, exposing his slender chest. Ciel leaned into Sebastian's hands as they wandered up and down his chest, over his stomach and sides, down to his hips. He bit his lip as Sebastian moved from his neck, down to his collarbone, his chest—he seemed to be descending downwards.

"What are you doing?" Ciel murmured.

"Mmm, I was wondering if you wanted me to use my mouth in a different way~"

Ciel flushed a deep red at this proposal, for he knew immediately what Sebastian meant. "W—well, I'm not against it . . ."

"Alright, then."

Sebastian beamed, and kissed Ciel's stomach and unbuttoned his trousers. Ciel felt immensely self-conscious as Sebastian pulled aside fabric. Mostly, he wasn't sure what to do with his hands, and ended up resting them awkwardly on Sebastian's head. He was shortly distracted, however, when something hot and slick traveled up the underside of his member, pulling a small gasp from him. He was amazed at how wonderful it felt, as Sebastian did it again, and again.

Ciel saw stars when Sebastian took the entire thing in his mouth, and sucked hard, before pulling up and swirling his tongue around the head. The younger demon shuddered, and his hands clenched in Sebastian's hair. He writhed as Sebastian resumed sucking him off properly, and Ciel swore elaborately—it felt so good. He wasn't sure if he liked this or what they'd done last night better—it was hard to tell.

It was only a bit before Ciel could feel pressure building, building, white hot and blinding, until it crashed into the great release of energy that was orgasm. As he caught his breath, Sebastian leaned up and kissed him softly, then nuzzled at his neck. Ciel snuggled close to the elder demon, who moved onto the couch. For a bit, they simply watched each other as Ciel descended from the afterglow.

As soon as he did, a raw emptiness set in, like barbed wire in his chest. He swallowed as Sebastian observed him, waiting for his next order, bound only by the contract. For a fleeting moment, he wondered what it was like to spend eternity under the order of a million different humans, to always be at their beck and call, all for a meal. Only to eat. The thought depressed Ciel. He couldn't imagine a lifetime of that. He rose from the couch, and Sebastian took this as his cue to leave in order to prepare dinner. Ciel watched him depart, and that emptiness doubled until he swayed and his eyes watered.

He wished, in that moment more than anything, to be human.

* * *

 

_it goes like this:_  
 _the fourth, the fifth,_  
 _the minor fall, the major lift,_  
 _the baffled king composing hallelujah!_

_hallelujah, hallelujah . . ._  
 _hallelujah, hallelujah._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was a bit slow. I apologize for that--things should be much more interesting in the next one. This one was mostly just Ciel figuring out what he wants and just . . . feelings and stuff. Yeah.
> 
> Anyway, you may have noticed at the top that I listed a song in this chapter. I am currently building an FST for this fanfic--thus far I only have the first two songs for sure. I am hoping to have it done by the time I update to chapter 3. I will definitely announce it once it's finished, and it will be on 8tracks!
> 
> Also, I know I didn't say this in my last A/N, but reviews and comments are deeply appreciated. While I write fanfic for my own enjoyment, it's still really nice to know I have an audience, especially since I do this for free. So, if you like my fic, please tell me! I would love to hear it!
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	3. the party of confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The FST is available now! You can find it at http://8tracks.com/kashiiai/darkness-light-a-kuroshitsuji-fanfic-fst

Soundtrack: Over the Love by Florence and the Machine

* * *

**three; the party of confessions**

By the end of the week, Ciel had grasped the ability to alter his appearance. He was yet unable to alter his stature or facial structure in a drastic manner, but the effect of changing his coloring made a profound difference. By day, he had worked long and hard to grasp the small particles of objects and learn to manipulate them—changing their color, changing their shape. Living things were the most difficult to alter, and it was the reason Ciel was only able to manipulate small parts of himself. There was much to keep track of in the functions of the body.

By night, Ciel kept Sebastian in his bed. The sex was an apt distraction for him, and he hoped that even if he could never forget Elizabeth, he could at least let go of his romantic feelings for her, if nothing else. Sebastian was dutiful—he worshipped Ciel's body in every way the young demon wanted or demanded, and taught him many new things. He always ensured Ciel was pleased, but the young boy knew it was only because it was what he desired, what he ordered. The words Sebastian had said, that the elder demon was unable to give Ciel what Elizabeth could, niggled at the back of his mind.

Ciel had monitored the newspapers and sent Sebastian out for rumors and news, and from it they had learned of the launch date for the Midford Publishing Company. An afternoon luncheon was to be had, and interested business parties had been invited to network and open possible deals with Elizabeth and her fiancé. Ciel had sent a letter under the guise of Peter Grey, a young businessman with a taste for good poetry and an acclaimed associate of Funtom Sweets who was now served by Sebastian Michaelis, the former butler to her deceased betrothed. The correspondence Ciel received from Elizabeth was short and formal, and it was strange to read something in her handwriting that was so distant. Still, he kept her letter with the other he had found, for he had left all the others behind at Phantomhive Manor.

He was nervous as he sat before the mirror on the day of the luncheon. Sebastian gently brushed his hair, which was now thick, russet, curly. The face of Peter was longer and his features were broader than Ciel's heart-shaped face and delicate nose and mouth, with a light smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks. He still wore his eye patch, though, as there was no way to hide the contract circle.

"Are you eager to see Miss Elizabeth, Ciel?" Sebastian asked.

"I am." Ciel's voice was a bit deeper as part of his transformation, and he was still growing used to it. "I am hoping to see that she's happy."

"Of course."

"I believe this idea of continuing business with the Midford family is a wise choice, Sebastian."

"Of course, Ciel."

* * *

Ciel was soon ready, and his stomach exploded with butterflies for the entire ride to the Midford estate, from the train to the carriage. Ciel stared out the window as they pulled up to the manor, which had an array of carriages parked before it—all the people who had arrived to attend the luncheon. As Sebastian helped Ciel down from the carriage, he gently rubbed Ciel's back and squeezed his shoulder. The younger demon took a deep breath, focused on maintaining his transformation for a moment.

They walked up to the manor door, and knocked. A maid answered and bowed them in, and Ciel felt all his skin tingle with nerves as he stepped into the familiar mansion. He and Sebastian were escorted through the house to the grounds beyond, where the luncheon was taking place. The garden was fragrant with tiger lilies, Elizabeth's favorite flower, Ciel knew. They lined several of the flowerbeds, and were also set in vases on each table.

He and Sebastian wove through the crowd, Ciel smiling and shaking hands as he made pleasantries along the way. Eventually, he spotted Elizabeth's fiancé, surrounded by a cluster of people. Ciel felt his chest wind tight, and he walked up to the cluster of people with legs like jelly. People glanced back at him as he paused, then they parted before him to reveal Elizabeth. She wore a sunshine yellow dress, trimmed with fragile lace, and he could see the way grief and weariness clung to her, like a disease. Still, she was beautiful, and the young demon felt his breath stutter. She turned her piercing emerald eyes towards him as he stepped forward, and they caught each other's eye. Elizabeth grew very still, and time seemed to freeze as the two of them stared. Ciel could smell her fragrant rose water perfume, even from a couple feet away. He longed to reach out and touch her gold hair, her flawless pale skin. The only thing that mattered was her, his Elizabeth.

"You must be Peter Grey!" The moment was shattered as John Simmons stuck his hand towards Ciel. He was an attractive young man in his early twenties, with wavy brown hair and large green eyes.

The young demon blinked, and broke his stare with Elizabeth. "Yes, that I am," he took John's hand. "Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Simmons."

"Likewise. And this is my fiancé, the lovely Elizabeth Midford," John gestured to Elizabeth, and as he did, he glowed with admiration.

Ciel offered Elizabeth a small smile, and he reached out and gently took her hand. "Enchanted to meet you, Lady Midford."

Elizabeth nodded as they stared at each other once again. "Likewise, Mr. Grey. I must say, you . . ."

"Now now, pet, what did I tell you about getting your head in the clouds?" John interjected.

Elizabeth blinked, and shook her head as she withdrew her hand. "I apologize, Mr. Grey. I am afraid I'm rather distractible of late."

Ciel felt his heart twist in his chest. "I imagine so. Your fiancé, Ciel Phantomhive—it's such a tragedy."

"But out of tragedy, joy can grow," John said. He gently put an arm around Elizabeth, and Ciel noted the way he handled her tenderly, the soft look of adoration on his face. John was in love with her. "It hasn't been easy, but it's certainly worth it. My Elizabeth is a true blessing."

Even as Ciel felt a thorny, abrasive ache settle in his chest, he was glad to see that John Simmons truly loved Elizabeth. "I'm glad to hear it. I wish you two all the happiness in the world."

Elizabeth gave him a watery smile. "Thank you, Mr. Gray," she turned to Sebastian then. "And Sebastian, it's been such a long time."

Sebastian inclined his head towards her respectfully. "That it has, Miss Elizabeth. I do hope you have been well."

"I have been doing much better since I met John. Thank you for your concern. I hope you have been well also—I know you were very much attached to Ciel."

Sebastian's eyes flickered towards Ciel. "I was, but I have found that Master Grey has treated me very well. I am quite happy serving him."

Elizabeth smiled, the most genuine one any of them had seen yet. "I'm glad to hear it. Anyhow, what kind of poetry do you like?"

Ciel smiled at the question. "The sort that calls to your soul. Some of my favorites are John Donne, Emily Bronte, Matthew Arnold . . ."

"My, you like quite a range," John said.

"I do."

"Have you memorized any passages?" Elizabeth asked.

Ciel took a deep breath, then he began to recite. " _No man is an island, / entire of itself, / every man is a piece of the continent, / a part of the main. / If a clod be washed away by the sea, / Europe is the less_." As he recited, everyone grew very quiet, and Elizabeth watched him with wide eyes. " _As well as if a promontory were. / As well as if a manor of thy friend's / or of thine own were: / any man's death diminishes me, / because I am involved in mankind, / and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; / it tolls for thee._ "

Elizabeth's eyes were overbright, and she slowly stepped away from John. "That's one of my favorite poems," she murmured.

"I'm glad it is. But it's also very popular," Ciel said.

"Recite another. Please."

Ciel felt as though he were stripping back parts of himself, that she could see he was Ciel, even through the disguise. " _Weep not too much, my darling; / sigh not too oft for me; / say not the face of Nature / has lost its charm for thee. / I have enough of anguish / on my own breast alone; / thou canst not ease the burden, Love, / by adding still thine own._ "

"My, that's another of my favorites," Elizabeth murmured.

John stepped closer to Elizabeth, and gently put his arm around her again. "So, Mr. Gray. What are you interested in doing for our new company?"

"I would like to be an editor," Ciel said. "For poetry, of course."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea. You really seem to know poetry well. You even as the same taste as my Elizabeth."

Ciel turned his eyes to her. "Yes, I do."

"Mr. Simmons!" A maid suddenly scurried up to their group.

"Yes, Helen?" The young man turned to her and smiled kindly.

"We have several guests who wanted to discuss authorship . . ."

"Oh, wonderful!" He kissed Elizabeth on the cheek and stepped away from her. "Duty calls. Sweetheart, I imagine you can do business with Mr. Grey—I imagine you two will get along well. This way you can catch up with your old friend as well." He nodded to Sebastian, then departed, followed by his cluster of admirers.

"I do believe I should leave you two to conduct business," Sebastian stated, then stepped away as well to join the other serving staff.

Ciel was left to converse with Elizabeth alone. She stared at him once again, and Ciel stepped closer to her. He could see that she looked a bit older and had grown a bit taller, though so had he, so they were the same height. He knew she had just turned fifteen in January. She was watching him as though she could see into his soul, and he felt suddenly very vulnerable. He still very much wanted to reach out and touch her, but was aware that it wouldn't be appropriate. He was no longer engaged to her, after all. Elizabeth looked away just then, flushing profusely.

"I apologize for staring so much, Mr. Grey."

"It's alright."

"It's just . . . you remind me of—of—well, it's very strange."

"Of whom do I remind you of?"

"Ciel Phantomhive," she said it softly, sadly.

Ciel swallowed nervously. "I see. How interesting."

"It is most uncanny," she turned away from him. "Perhaps we should take a walk."

Ciel fell into step beside her, and they began to walk around the garden. Elizabeth was quiet, as was Ciel as he waited for her to speak. The silence stretched for a long time, and as they traveled across the party green, Ciel realized they were walking away from it without anyone's notice, towards the hedge maze that laid at the back of the Midford estate—a new addition. He knew he should say something, insist it wasn't appropriate, but he couldn't manage to get the words past his throat.

The maze was much quieter—it seemed the bushes blocked out sound. Still, he waited for Elizabeth to speak as they turned a corner, weaving deeper and deeper into the labyrinth. They eventually came to the center of the maze, which sported a beautiful fountain, carved with a mermaid and merman in an embrace as water spouted from their tails. Elizabeth turned at last to face him, and Ciel opened his mouth to say something.

"I know this isn't proper," Elizabeth said.

"Lady Midford . . . why have you taken me all the way out here?"

She stepped closer to him—so close he could see the pattern of her skin, her individual eyelashes. "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

Ciel swallowed, and took a deep breath. "I do not."

She reached up, and gently touched his cheek. Elizabeth wore no gloves, and her soft palm against his skin made Ciel shiver. "I'd like to believe it exists."

The young demon said nothing as she softly stroked his cheek. He found himself instead leaning into her touch, hovering closer to her face. Her eyes fluttered, and she leaned closer as well, until he could taste her breath. Something in the back of his mind told him he should stop, but he ignored it. Their lips at last contacted, and Ciel sighed as they gently kissed each other. It was like lightning—it made his entire body tingle, particularly his face.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him harder. Ciel shuddered, and at last, alarm bells broke through to the forefront of his mind. He tensed, then pulled away. Elizabeth blinked up at him, then her eyes grew to the size of saucers. Ciel parted from her and ran his hand through his hair self-consciously, only to discover that it was no longer curly. He froze, and looked back at Elizabeth, who was staring at him as though he were an apparition.

"C—Ciel?"

"Elizabeth . . ." His voice emerged as his own. It seemed his disguise had been stripped—he had ceased to maintain it when they kissed. "Oh, God. This isn't good."

"Is it really you?"

"Er, no! I'm a ghost."

Elizabeth touched his arm. "You're very solid for a ghost."

Ciel watched her for a long moment, before he softly caressed her cheek. "Poor excuse, I guess. But you weren't supposed to know it's me."

"What . . ." Elizabeth shook her head. "What's going on? How is it—you're supposed to be dead! Though when Phantomhive Manor burned down, we all thought you'd died, but back you came . . ."

Ciel withdrew his hand, and took a step back from her. "I'm sorry. This whole thing has been—well. Perhaps I shouldn't have come."

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes. "At the very least, you can explain yourself."

"You wouldn't believe me if I did."

The future marchioness drew herself up haughtily. "Try me."

Ciel couldn't help but smile—that haughtiness was one of the things he liked about her. He sat down on the edge of the fountain, and took a deep breath. Elizabeth joined him, watching him with curious green eyes. He turned to her, and she ran a hand over his cheek, through his hair. He gently took her hand, and settled it in her lap.

"Sorry. I just . . . I keep expecting you to vanish," she said sheepishly.

"I won't. At least, not right now. I suppose I owe you the truth, at the very least."

"Good. I expect nothing less of you."

"If I do tell you everything, though, you must promise me that you must not tell anyone else. Nor does it mean we can be together again."

"But—"

"Elizabeth," Ciel held her gaze sternly. "There are good reasons for it," he took a deep breath, "and to be honest, I don't know if you'll still want me after I tell you everything, anyhow."

"I would never think that, Ciel."

"We'll see soon, I suppose." He reached up, and untied his eye patch. Elizabeth blinked as she watched curiously. Ciel's heart raced as he successfully pulled the bow loose, and the patch slid away. He opened his eye, and looked up at Elizabeth.

"What happened to it?" She asked. "There's some sort of . . . circle on it."

Slowly, Ciel pulled off his gloves and held his hands out to her, which were pale, the fingernails blackened. "It is a very long story."

Elizabeth took his hands and stared at them for a moment, before she returned her gaze to his face. "Tell me. Everything. I want to know."

Ciel took another deep breath, and then he began. He started with the people who kidnapped him, speaking of how they tortured him, branded him, and took his eye. How they were going to kill him, then a dark entity appeared to him, and offered him life once again. How he took it, and when he did, the Sebastian they knew was created. That he was to hand his soul over to the demon upon completion of his revenge.

"Sebastian is a demon?" Elizabeth looked deeply disturbed.

"Yes, he is."

She was silent for a long moment, before she pulled his hands up to her face and kissed the back of each. "I'm glad you lived because of it. I don't think that was the best choice, but I'm glad you were able to live on because of him. And . . . Sebastian really does seem to care for you."

Ciel smiled bitterly. "I suppose so. But the story isn't over yet."

He continued. He told her how he had died, and Sebastian had tried to take his soul, but had failed. How the entire incident with Alois Trancy and Claude Faustus. How Alois had, in the end, made a wish. A wish that had altered Ciel, so he was no longer human, but demon. When he finished speaking, Elizabeth was quiet for a long time. She still held his hands, but she wouldn't look at him. He kept waiting for her to push him away, but she never did.

"You're going to live forever, aren't you?" She eventually asked.

Ciel nodded. "Yes, probably. If something doesn't kill me, anyway."

She at last looked up at him. "So that's why you think we can't be together."

"Yes, that is why."

"But . . . a demon can grant any wish, yes?"

"Er, yes. So long as you give the demon something in return."

Elizabeth straightened up at that. "Make a contract with me, then."

Ciel pulled his hands from hers. "Absolutely not."

"I can become like you. We can be together, and—"

"I don't want that," Ciel interjected. "I want . . . I want you to be happy. To live a normal life. I've seen the way Simmons looks at you—like you're his sun. He adores you, and he is obviously a very good man."

Elizabeth swallowed. "But I don't love him. Someone as good as he is—he deserves someone who loves him back."

"Perhaps you can grow to love him."

She offered a watery smile, and gently hooked her hand under his chin. "It really was a mistake for you to come here. Now that I know you're alive, I'll never be able to. I was planning to be miserable for the rest of my life, but here you are, alighting me with life and hope."

Ciel felt his chest ache with longing. "That's what I am to you?"

"Of course, Ciel. You've always been my future."

His eyes stung, and before he could stop it or pull away, a tear spilled over and wound down his cheek. "I can't, Elizabeth. I can't do that to you. I want you to live a normal, human life. I want you to keep your soul."

Elizabeth sighed, and released him. "I know." She looked away from him. He expected her to cry, but she didn't. "We should be getting back. John will be looking for me."

"Right."

As he stood, Ciel felt his heart shatter, and he knew it would never be whole again.

* * *

The next several weeks were torture. As the earth bloomed with spring life, Ciel's heart grew darker and harder. He dedicated himself to Sebastian, but even as he asked the elder demon to make love to him in the sweetest way possible, even as he called Sebastian's name in ecstasy, even as his butler cared for him and taught him, Ciel knew none of it was real. He knew that Sebastian only did what Ciel wished for.

It was on a bright spring day that the doorbell rang. Ciel was in the living room, reading the newspaper, while Sebastian prepared lunch in the kitchen. When Ciel was human, he would have waited for Sebastian to get the door, but now things were different. He rose from his place, and walked to the front entrance. He pulled the carved wooden door open, and found a young Spanish man on the doorstep. Ciel's eyes widened, for in his arms was an unconscious Elizabeth.

"Please," the young man's eyes were like Sebastian's—eons old. "You have to help her."

* * *

_your faith was strong,_  
_but you needed proof._  
_you saw her bathing on the roof._  
_her beauty in the  
_ _moonlight overthrew you . . ._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Our first cliffhanger, muahahaha~! You are all free to fall at my feet and weep. |D
> 
> At last, the plot has started picking up! I'm excited. Things are gonna get interesting now, ehehehe~
> 
> As always, reviews and comments are deeply appreciated! I love hearing that you, my dear readers, like my fanfic! I hope you enjoyed this chapter~!
> 
> Poetry Ciel quoted:  
> No Man is an Island by John Donne  
> Weep Not Too Much by Anne Bronte

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dear readers! At last, I have written a Kuroshitsuji fic. Hell, I haven't written fanfiction in so long.
> 
> I would like to first say that this fic is going to be updated at leisure. I am pleased to say that I have broken into the professional world of writing, and at this point, fanfiction is a luxurious pleasure for me. Thus, my original work takes first priority. If anyone is curious about my original work, please send me a PM, and I will gladly discuss it with you!
> 
> Now, this fic has been in my head for a very long time. It has been through several renditions, and I've even reworked my portrayals of the characters several times. Thus far, it has come very easily, and I am hoping I can write on it ahead in order to have a more regular update schedule.
> 
> Mostly, this fic is going to be emotionally driven.
> 
> To me, the most interesting part of Ciel's and Sebastian's relationship is the potential for love to happen and how this might affect them, especially Sebastian, and I aim to explore this here. I also adore Elizabeth and ship her and Ciel very much, so I wanted to explore this relationship as well.
> 
> While I'm not a huge fan of the second season of the anime, I did think the ending set things up for some very fascinating events to unfold. So, I've chosen to set my fic after the first two seasons of the anime, as this was the most interesting playground to me.
> 
> Also, in a way, this fic is about my belief in the capacity for people to be good, and become whole once again. It's about my faith in humanity, as so much of my work is.
> 
> Cynics and misanthropes need not apply. ;D
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little thing of mine. It's good to be back~!


End file.
